


Avengers Prank War

by viviegirl05



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: DUM-E- mentioned, Fury is so done, JARVIS- mentioned, Near Death Experiences, Prank War, Pranks, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Tony Starks cars, but its ok i promise, no one dies, or gets severely injured, or lastingly harmed, prank gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-16 05:17:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19639564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viviegirl05/pseuds/viviegirl05
Summary: No one is really sure how it all started, but the prank war in Avengers Tower was fierce. After a while JARVIS started recording them at Coulson’s behest as he believed that the pranking was out of control. Finally, after six weeks of monitoring, the evidence was presented to Director Fury. Heaving a sigh, knowing that this was going to be a headache, Fury pressed play on the footage.***The Avengers (original six) pull pranks on each other until it gets a bit out of hand. Coulson records all the pranks for Fury so he will have to deal with it when it goes wrong and put his foot down.





	Avengers Prank War

No one is really sure how it all started, but the prank war in Avengers Tower was _fierce_. After a while JARVIS started recording them at Coulson’s behest as he believed that the pranking was out of control. Finally, after six weeks of monitoring, the evidence was presented to Director Fury. Heaving a sigh, knowing that this was going to be a headache, Fury pressed play on the footage.

***

On screen, Barton and Banner giggled in hushed tones as they snuck into Stark’s darkened lab while he slept upstairs, each armed with a nondescript brown box. They bee-lined for the section of the lab that was dedicated to Stark’s many expensive cars. If they harmed those cars, Fury thought, they’re lucky to still be alive…

They didn’t harm the cars. Instead, they pulled out what must have been hundreds of neon-colored post-its (most likely paid for with Stark’s credit card) and began methodically covering each car in the little pieces of paper. Each car had its own design; Fury was actually a bit impressed in spite of himself at the amount of effort they had clearly put into this.

The Audi Spyder (Fury’s personal favorite) was covered in a checkwork pattern of green and blue post-its. The classic Ford Roadster was actually just a copy of the flame pattern painted on the car, but in magenta and purple rather than black and orange/red. The Shelby Cobra got yellow with flowers in various colors. 

Fury hit fast forward and skimmed the rest of the footage, not interested in watching the prank set up in real time. The footage cut out after the duo left, snickering to each other all the while, then came back just before the lights in the lab came on and Stark entered the scene. For a few moments, it seemed that Stark didn’t even notice the cars, but when he did, the explosion was _spectacular_. Stark screamed at what was clearly the top of his lungs, though there was no sound on the video, and threw various tools at the walls- which his robots hurried to fetch and attempt to hand back to their creator. After several minutes of furious raving, Stark calmed down and seemed to ask his AI who did this, stood still for a moment as he received his answer, then scowled and stormed out of the lab, no doubt to hunt down the perpetrators.

The footage cut to a new room, the communal living room, if Fury was correct, where Barton and Banner were lounging in front of the TV. Stark stomped in like the man-child he was, the TV turning off on its own (likely the AI’s doing) and he planted himself in front of his teammates, breathing hard, teeth clenched. His mouth worked like he was trying to speak but unable to formulate words in his ire. Slow grins crept up on Barton and Banner’s faces in the glow of their apparent success, turning into satisfied smirks when Stark finally began ranting and raving; he even shook his finger at them like he was scolding a child at one point.

Fury checked how long this particular file was and hit fast forward, not wanting to watch as Stark yelled (without audio) for another fifteen minutes. The video ended with a note that Barton and Banner cleaned up their mess with DUM-E (one of Stark’s robots?) supervising and threatening to blast them with a fire extinguisher. 

***

The next file opened with a note saying that Romanov was at fault and as such there was no footage of the set-up. The Black Widow was far too good to be caught on camera. The footage started with an empty kitchen, a platter of donuts and cheese danishes on the counter. Rogers entered first and headed straight to the sink for a glass of water. A few minutes later Romanov and Barton entered, followed by Thor who wore nothing by boxers for some reason. Banner and Stark arrived just as Thor grabbed a danish. Quickly, everyone but Romanov and Rogers grabbed a pastry and they all bit into their treats more or less simultaneously. The spit takes were truly top-notch quality, Fury had to admit. Synchronized and followed by gags and everything as each Avenger raced to the fridge or sink for something to wash their mouths out.

Romanov gave an evil smile as she pulled an empty bottle of mayo out from behind her, laughing and dancing away as they all growled and lunged at the assassin. God, if Romanov was pulling juvenile pranks like this, all hope was lost.

***

Barton crept into the kitchen, the clock reading three am, and dumped out the sugar from the container next to the coffee. Grinning to himself, he refilled the container with salt. Fury rolled his eyes; how much more basic could a prank get? 

The footage cut a few hours forward to a scene where light was pouring through the windows, Barton perched at the counter, as Stark entered with raging bedhead, yawning and idly scratching at his stomach as he approached the already brewing coffee. Pouring himself a cup, he proceeded to scoop four spoonfuls of ‘sugar’ into his mug, stirring lazily, before drinking. And not stopping. Stark turned to a smirking Barton and locked eyes, downing the full mug of scalding hot salty coffee in a power move Fury had to respect. 

Stark poured himself another mug of coffee, skipping the ‘sugar,’ and headed out of the room, ignoring Bartons dumbfounded expression. Stark might have made a good agent, had Shield gotten ahold of him in his youth, with a poker face like that.

***

Thor crept into the Black Widow’s bathroom, an unknown item in his hand. Carefully, he removed the lid of Romanov’s lotion and poured the item (liquid?) into the jar, using a popsicle stick to stir the mixture thoroughly, then replacing the lid. He repeated the process with several other products- all various lotions, Fury noted. Exactly how many lotions did Romanov have? Did all women have so many lotions? Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Fury returned his focus to the screen in front of him.

Thor made sure to return each bottle, tub, and jar to it previous place before creeping out of the bathroom and presumably on to his own rooms. The footage cut to Romanov stomping into the common room, where Barton, Stark, Thor, and Rogers were playing what looked like poker. Her skin- all of it, all over her body from what Fury could determine- was covered in glitter. She glared at them all with a fury that was somehow both frigid and burning with rage. They stared at her in silence for approximately three seconds before they all broke down into peels of laughter, falling back and clutching their bellies, tears of mirth gathering in their eyes. 

Fury lip-read Romanov ordering Stark’s AI to dim the lights, and had to quirk a smile himself when it was revealed that not only did Thor add glitter to her lotions, but a glow-in-the-dark chemical as well, making the usually stealthy and subtle Black Widow glow and sparkle like some trashy, young-adult novel vampire or something. Thor would suffer for this, of that Fury was certain.

The screen went black after that, curiously. Fury noticed that Coulson had made a note that all footage after that point was ‘lost.’

***

The next prank also had no footage of the set up, Tony being the perpetrator (according to Coulson) this time and knowing better than to leave the cameras rolling. The screen showed the weapons room, where Barton, Rogers, and Romanov kept their gear. Captain America’s shield, Hawkeye’s bow, and Black Widow’s knives were all encased in orange jell-o.

Each Avenger entered the room, smiling as they joked among themselves, apparently getting ready to train. They froze when they spotted the gelatinous globs that awaited each of them. Rogers pressed his lips into a thin line, sighing through his nose it seemed, before marching up to the orange-flavored mess and promptly scooping it into his arms and retreating, motioning for the others to do the same. With puzzled looks, they obeyed their leaders command, grabbing their own blobs and following him.

The footage changed to show the three entering the kitchen, each grabbing a spoon and, at Rogers prompting, digging into their jell-o ‘treats.’

Well, thought Fury, that didn’t go they way he expected.

***

The set-up of the next prank was already in fast forward, showing Stark and Barton literally turning Rogers’ room upside down. They super glued everything to the ceiling, furniture and tchotchkes and all. They even inverted the pictures on the wall. Fury was absently glad that Coulson had the foresight to speed this up as it had obviously taken the pair hours, if not a full day, to finish their task.

Coulson noted that Rogers was on a press tour on the west coast at the time of the set-up, giving Barton and Stark all the time they needed to let the glue dry.

The footage cut to Rogers arriving home to the tower and entering his room. He surveyed his upside-down room for a long moment, then seemed to sigh before simply turning around and (another scene change) grabbing a blanket off the couch in the communal living room and settling down on the couch to sleep.

A pattern seemed to be emerging of thoroughly underwhelming responses from Rogers.

***

When the next file loaded it showed the tower in full Halloween decor- obviously it took place in October. Banner was alone in the kitchen stirring something light brown in a pot, a small collection of popsicle sticks next to the stove and a grocery bag on the counter.

Seemingly satisfied with what he was cooking, Banner turned to the bag, reaching in and pulling out a bushel of onions and a box of wax paper. He spread a sheaf of wax paper over the counter before methodically cleaning the onions of their flakey peels. He stabbed a popsicle stick in each onion before dipping them in what Fury realized must be caramel.

Banner set each onion on the wax paper to cool, cleaning up after himself as he went along, soon turning the leftover caramel into candies, placing them on the wax paper as well, before finally cleaning the pot and leaving to relax as the food cooled. 

The footage skipped ahead to Banner presenting the other Avengers with what looked like caramel apples, grinning as they all thanked him before biting into the treats. Rogers, Romanov, Stark, and Barton immediately twisted their faces in disgust, while Thor merely looked confused and contemplative, as if he wasn’t overly opposed to the onion-caramel combination and didn’t understand the others’ reactions. Fury idly wondered what Thor _wouldn’t_ eat, as he’d heard tales of him eating truly bizarre things.

Overall, a successful prank. When Banner was left to his own devices to come up with a prank, he executed them well and safely, Fury thought to himself.

***

The next prank was by Rogers and was truly pitiful. He literally put a $20 bill on a string and hid around a corner, peeking around and waiting for someone to reach for the money. He waited for half an hour, which was time lapsed for Fury by Coulson, before he gave up and grabbed his money off the ground, moving on with a despondent look on his face.

***

The very next file was also a prank by Rogers. Fury watched him make mashed potatoes for some reason, then eat an entire tub of vanilla ice cream. Rogers replaces the ice cream with the mashed potatoes and placed the container back in the freezer. The footage flashed forward a few hours and Rogers was back in the kitchen, pulling out the mashed potatoes disguised as ice cream and some root beer. He poured some root beer in a glass, then scooped some potatoes in what looked like a root beer float. He moved, along with the changed camera, into the living room and offered the concoction to Thor, who accepted eagerly and downed it straight away. Rogers smug grin slowly faded into a look of mildly concerned confusion.

Thor really will eat _anything_.

***

Interestingly this footage came from a store, rather than within Avengers Tower. The boutique seemed to cater to both men and women, and Romanov was browsing on the women’s side of the store, steadily approaching the men’s side. When she reached the border between men’s and women’s clothes, one of the mannequins suddenly moved, lunging- clearly intending to startle, not harm- at the Black Widow. Romanov immediately disarmed her opponent, yanking his arms behind his back and turning the ‘mannequin’ toward the camera, revealing that it was actually Stark.

Idiot.

Coulson noted that after that event all the Avengers agreed to keep pranks within the confines of Avengers Tower. Mostly because the head of PR lectured them about the incident and subsequent bad press for over an hour.

***

Ah, Banner again. Alone, again. This should be decent. 

Banner was in the kitchen, drawing something on a slightly unrolled roll of paper towels in permanent marker. He finished quickly and rewrapped the paper towels, hiding his handiwork. Only a few minutes passed before Barton walked in, washing his hands in the sink. He easily grabbed some paper towels to dry his hands before he suddenly screeched at the top of his lungs, throwing the paper towel roll away from him as he jumped onto the counter.

Rogers, Thor, and Banner rushed to help him, but all he could seem to do was point at the paper towel roll and sputter. Rogers bravely reached for the roll and found what had upset the archer. A spider. Banner had drawn a spider on one of the paper towels. He probably didn’t know that Barton was deathly afraid of the little things and only meant to startle him, but no one got hurt, nothing was damaged, so it was still a decent prank in Fury’s book.

***

Fury knew he was looking at Rogers’ room the instant it appeared on the screen. When Stark was redoing the Tower he personalized the rooms for each of the Avengers; Rogers’ room was decorated with framed vintage Captain America posters that Fury knew came from Stark’s own personal collection- though he doubted Rogers knew that. 

What Fury didn’t know was what was in the decent sized box Thor had carted into Captain America’s room. But he was about to find out. Thor set the box on the bed before he grabbed the desk chair, pulling it to the middle of the room. He then reached into the box and pulled out the absolute last thing Fury would have expected. 

A dildo.

A red, white, and blue, _Captain America themed dildo_. Dear god Fury hoped Stark had nothing to do with those going into production. Tony Stark’s murder would be a bitch to cover up, if it could be covered up at all.

Thor grabbed a small tube of something from the box and climbed onto the chair. He applied some of the tube’s contents to the base of the dildo, then pressed it to the ceiling. He held it for about ten seconds, then gently released the dildo. It hung to the ceiling for all of three seconds before falling to the floor, Thor watching with an almost comically unimpressed expression on his face.

Thor left the room for a moment, then returned with packing tape. This time the phallic item stayed put. He smiled in satisfaction, moving the chair, grabbing another dildo, and repeating the process. Thor continued this process until at least two dozen fake penises were taped to Captain America’s ceiling.

The footage skipped to some time later when the patriotic man himself arrived home, tossing his bag near the closet before collapsing face-first onto the bed in a dead sleep, not even bothering to turn on the lights or look around. There was another time jump to when Rogers woke, sun shining through the windows to illuminate the room, rolling onto his back with a stretch before opening his eyes. His eyes widened ludicrously as he spotted the themed dildos decorating the ceiling- the view from his vantage point must have been quite startling, Fury mused.

Rogers face dropped into a flat, unamused look as he gathered the sex toys in his arms and marched out to the common room. He dropped him armful on the coffee table, to the apparent bemused confusion of the rooms occupants, before he calmly walked away.

***

Another note from Coulson pre-empted the next prank, apparently Romanov had set up a prank in the kitchen sink. Odd place for a prank, Fury thought briefly before quickly refocusing on the footage. The Avengers trudged in, all fully dressed, probably having come from an Avengers meeting, and casually spread out around the room, Barton immediately going for a snack and Rogers grabbing a glass to get some water from the sink. He froze at the sink, staring and blinking. 

Fury read Rogers lips as he called out for someone else to look at the sink as he thought he might be seeing things. Fury was unable to make out what was so unsettling, but there did appear to be something in the sink. The other Avengers, save Romanov, seemed just as flummoxed as their leader.

The camera zoomed in and Fury realized that the sink had been turned into an aquarium. There were at least five fish and three fake aquarium plants, along with a small fake rock cave in the corner. It actually looked like a nice little set up, if it weren’t for the fact that it was a kitchen sink. The camera zoomed out again as the Avengers collectively scratched their heads, Romanov smirking evilly in the back. Apparently they never actually figured out the how and who of that particular prank.

***

Barton was in the kitchen in the middle of the night, scraping the icing out of the center of Oreos and setting aside the cookies. Eventually he got through the entire roll, then he grabbed a tube of toothpaste. Barton efficiently iced and stacked the cookies, replacing them in the sleeve and then sticking the package in the freezer. 

Fury rolled his eyes. Another obvious prank from Barton.

The footage jumped to midday as Barton offered the cookies to Thor, who accepted them with a grin. Thor immediately began munching on the treats, smiling as if all was right with the world. Bartons grin slowly fell and he eventually left looking bummed.

***

Rogers and Banner were playing chess in the communal living room as Stark lounged on the couch flipping channels and chatting with Barton. Banner got up, presumably to go to the bathroom or get a drink, and Rogers quickly placed a whoopie cushion on the doctors seat, careful to remain unnoticed by the other occupants of the room.

Banner returned shortly and resumed his seat, startling as the whoopie cushion did its job, Barton and Stark whipping their heads around at the sound. Rogers snickered, letting on that he had been the cause of the ‘fart,’ allowing the others to join in on his mirth. Even Banner, good sport that he was, laughed a bit.

Finally, Rogers had managed a prank. Even if it was one of the most basic pranks in the world.

***

Once again, no footage of the set-up, but Coulson noted that it was done by Romanov. The camera was angled to see into Starks bathroom as he stood in front of the mirror clad only in a towel, hair dryer in hand. He aimed the device at his head, switching it on, and was instantly engulfed in a cloud of white. He shut the gadget off within a moment, but the damage was done. 

Stark stormed out of his room and into the common living room, still covered in powder and wearing only a towel. He stopped in front of Romanov, hands on his hips, and simply glared. The Black Widow smirked and said something Fury couldn’t make out given the camera angle, but it apparently enraged Stark as he began flailing his arms and screaming, stomping around and ranting at Romanov, much to the amusement of the other Avengers, all of whom were present for the little display.

Fury smirked to himself.

It _was_ rather amusing after all.

***

Banner was asleep on the couch in the communal living room, resting comfortably on his back, one arm dangling to the floor next to him. Rogers crept into the room with a bowl in hand. Carefully, Rogers shifted Banners hand into the bowl as he set it on the floor.

Another basic prank, but given his success on Banner previously it made sense that Rogers was sticking to basics and Banner.

Rogers eased away from the dozing scientist, grinning at his success, when suddenly Thor burst onto the scene. Thor greeted the captain with some volume apparently as Banner jerked awake, looking confusedly at his wet hand when he went to scrub it over his face.

Rogers scowled and sulked out of the room, obviously put out over his failure.

***

Another prank in Stark’s lab it seemed. Barton and Romanov crept into the lab stealthily; apparently Widow couldn’t get around Stark’s system this time, which made sense given the extra security in Stark’s workshop.

The pair did... _something_ to Stark’s keyboards before creeping out just as silently as they came. The footage time-lapsed over a few days (obviously Stark was on a business trip or otherwise engaged) and slowly plants began to grow from the keyboards. 

When Stark returned to the lab he looked at the equipment, surveying the damage. Finally he rounded up the devices and dumped them in a trash can. He casually waved his hand and a holographic keyboard appeared before him. He carried on with work as usual, apparently unaffected by the prank.

***

Banner and Stark entered the garage, casually chatting and carrying multiple rolls of Saran Wrap, not even attempting to be subtle. They approached Rogers’ beloved 1941 Harley Street 750 and set down their loads. Banner took up the first roll and, with some difficulty, unwrapped a few feet. He wrapped it around the front of the bike before handing the roll over to Stark, who wrapped it around the rear of the bike and passed it back to Banner.

They continued the cycle or wrapping the bike until the roll was finished, then grabbed another to start again. Fury checked the length of the video and fast forwarded through half an hour of wrapping until the scientists were out of Saran Wrap. The pair high fived and strolled off. 

The footage jumped a bit of time to when Rogers appeared on the scene, staring at his bike blankly for a solid fifteen seconds before he scowled murderously and stomped back inside. The camera changed to Rogers storming into the labs where Banner and Stark were collaborating on an experiment; he was red in the face and looked livid as he ferociously lectured the amused pair. Fury fast forwarded through ten minutes of ranting as Banner and Stark slowly lost their smiles. 

They had seriously underestimated just how precious that bike was to Rogers.

***

Bartons bedroom had a surprising amount of photographs; they littered every available surface and made the room look cluttered in Fury’s opinion. At first nothing looked wrong until Fury looked a bit closer and noticed that all the photos were of one man. One very familiar man.

Nicholas Cage.

Barton HATED Nicholas Cage, though Fury didn’t know why as he always tuned out when Barton started up on that particular rant.

Barton strolled into the room with loose limbs and a small smile on his face, clearly at ease. He froze a few steps into the room, smile dropping as he looked around suspiciously. Suddenly he straightened and scowled furiously, screeching “NATASHA” at the top of his lungs, face reddening magnificently as he spun on his heel and raced out of the room like a viking storming into battle. 

Romanov was lucky to be alive, Fury mused, given Barton’s reaction. 

Coulson noted that Romanov had been out of the tower at the time the prank was discovered and the footage of the confrontation was nonexistent.

Pity. 

***

Thor was in the kitchen chugging a bottle of Coca-Cola, bottles of Sprite and soy sauce at his side. Once the coke was empty, Thor belched magnificently, then delicately poured the Sprite into the empty coke bottle, careful not to spill any. He then added soy sauce until the color matched that of a regular Coca-Cola. 

Fury grinned, at least on the inside. He remembered this prank; it was a classic, one he himself had pulled in his youth.

Thor seated himself at the counter with the ‘coke’ and waited a few moments. When Barton entered the room he opened the coke and raised the bottle to his lips. Barton opened the fridge, searched for a moment, then let his head drop back dramatically before rolling his head to look at Thor pleadingly. Thor smiled and magnanimously offer the opened ‘coke’ to his friend, whose face lit up like Christmas at the gift.

He grabbed the offering and immediately took a big swig of the drink. His face instantly turned from joy to horror as he spit the drink out, sending liquid everywhere. The look of betrayal on Barton’s face could have been used as a textbook example for an acting class as he cried “WHY?” while Thor laughed his ass off.

***

Stark sat at the kitchen counter with a large stack of papers, systematically signing them with a bored air about him. Barton stood at the other side of the counter fixing himself a sandwich. Stark’s pen apparently ran out of ink and he scribbled on a scrap piece of paper for a moment before tossing it aside and absently asking Barton to toss him another.

Barton smirked and flicked a pen across the counter to Iron Man. Stark grabbed the pen without missing a beat, then seized as his entire body tensed in shock for several seconds until he managed to drop the pen. He slumped over the counter clutching his chest as Barton laughed uproariously. Stark didn’t stop gasping for air, his face contorting in pain as he clenched his shirt over his heart. 

Barton stopped laughing as his amusement started to turn to concern as Pepper Potts rushed into the room, crying out for her friend, and demanding to know what happened. Stark fell out of his chair, Potts catching him and easing him to the floor as she yelled at Barton, no doubt calling him an idiot and/or giving him instructions. 

Potts ripped open Stark’s shirt and grabbed the ARC reactor. She twisted it and pulled it out, to the utter horror of both Barton _and_ Fury- did it really go that _deep?_ Dear God that thing went all the way into Stark’s chest, no doubt causing all kinds of pain and problems for his heart, lungs, and ribs. The woman slammed the reactor back into Stark’s chest and twisted in back to lock it in. She basically rebooted his heart.

Stark gasped, color coming back to his pale face as he regained his footing, figuratively. Barton looked appalled as he stood over the pair, Potts soothing her former boss as he got his breath back. After a few minutes Potts turned to the archer and leveled him with a glare, hissing what were no doubt terrifyingly venomous threats, making the man pale further and take a step back in fear. 

This was so far over the line it was practically homicidal. The pranks had to stop, Fury thought decisively. 

***

“So,” Fury leveled the Avengers assembled around the table with a glare, “I think we can all agree that these pranks have gotten unacceptable. Almost killing a teammate? Really? That is inadmissible and so far over the line it borders on illegal.” 

Barton looked at his lap, still pale and a little shaky at the reminder. The rest of them either threw a glare at the archer or looked down in shame themselves. Stark just rubbed his chest, taking a few deep breaths, still a bit off kilter even a day later. 

“Agreed, sir,” Rogers concurred, sending a stern look at his teammates. “No more pranks. I’ll make sure of it.”

“See that you do,” Fury ordered, turning away with a dramatic whip of his leather trench coat and storming off.

***

If, a few weeks later, a reporter who’d written a particularly bad article criticizing the Avengers found his office mysteriously filled with crumpled up newspapers- all featuring his critical works, well that was none of Fury’s business.


End file.
